Why I don’t believe in the term NACHO kids.
I don’t want to be another one to say you knew what you were getting yourself into but … you did know you were marrying a man with kid(s).
I knew that I was marrying a man with a child: a man whose child was not going anywhere. In addition to that, I was also now a part of his child’s family. (aka. his mom)
I can’t tell you that I know everything about being a Stepparent; all I know is my own story and my own experiences. This is my blog, and it is written about my story and how we do things. If what we do in our family doesn’t work for you- that’s okay! I would love to hear about your experience in the step-family world, and learn more about how you do your own thing!
Let’s talk about the term “Nacho” kids. To me, that means that child is “Not Yours”, so it’s not your problem. That child belongs to their biological parents, and you don’t have to be a part of their life.
I personally disagree when people go crazy about the whole “Nacho” kid thing; because, guys how will you ever gain respect from this child if that’s your attitude? Children don’t want to feel as though they are not a part of “your” family- they want to feel included and establish relationships. This child may turn 18 and move out one day, but that doesn’t mean they will no longer be in your life or you will no longer want to be a part of theirs. One day they may have kids, and you may want to see that cute grand baby, or your spouse may want to be huge part of that grandbaby’s life. If you NACHO that child, do you really expect them to just come back into your life with a large amount of respect and invite you into their kid’s lives? Most likely not. And how can you be upset if the effort wasn’t made?
I do believe there are aspects in our step-kids’ lives where it may be a good idea to step back or disengage. It might even just be a rough patch during the teen years, but don’t let them go too far or they may never come back. Every household is different, but personally I believe for a successful blended family the children need to have respect for both parents. They do not need to be forced to love you or be affectionate with you as they are with their bioparents, but I do believe they should respect you as an adult. They should give you the same respect that they should be giving to teachers, police officers, or grandparents themselves.
Now I say this, but let’s be honest… we can’t just sit these kids down and say “here are the rules guys, treat me with respect or so be it.” The respect will hopefully start from day one, and the one that will need to enforce this respect needs to be the bioparent (aka Dad in my situation*). *Reference back to my blog post about communication. He needs to teach the kids to respect you as an adult figure and he will have to be the one to keep up on that respect. When it slips it will be a hard hill to climb back up.
To give you an example: Although my step-son and I have a great relationship, and mutual respect- let me tell you about a time when I have stepped back. When J started getting really overwhelmed with his school work last week, I sat next to him, on the same level and we worked through things. However, the same assignment we had sat down and struggled through came up short in grades. (The grade was lower than acceptable) Luckily dad was home the day the assignment came back and I had already discussed with him what had occurred. I pulled the assignment out of his backpack and began to mention how he should have worked a little harder on it. as I noticed him begin to become resistant since dad was home, so I handed it over to his dad and walked out calmly on this one. As I stated in the beginning of the story, during the beginning, I was the one to take the time to work through the problem with him. so I do not run each time there is any sort of conflict, and he needs to know I am there through easy and hard times; however, during this occasion dad was home and it allowed me to disengage.
This is a small example but I am sure many of you have seen something small like this blow up to be bigger than it should have been. Share your stories with me! I’d love to hear times where you either disengaged, or stood strong!
In addition to the whole NACHO kid thing, if I felt that way… how would I feel safe allowing my step child near my bio kids without fearing him having a negative impact in them? So then am I just suppose to keep the kids in there rooms away from one another for the rest of their lives? Not realistic. If my bio kids see my stepson disrespect me because he’s a “NACHO”, maybe they will begin to think its ok for them to do it to him as well, despite him being their brother too. Teach the kids respect. Again this does not need to come with love and affection. It can be the same respectful relationship expected of those children towards a teacher, police officer or any other adult.
Good luck Mommas.
Disengage but do not disappear.
Jade San Nicolas